Frivolous Creativity And Freedom
[The Podcast Returns] “There was just no reply. And I asked so why, and they said because it's not there. It's an illusion.”
Here is my latest vlog, which also marks the return of the NorthSoulStar Transmissions Podcast which has been on hiatus for over a year. In the meantime, I have continued sharing video blogs over on my YouTube channel, but this Newsletter/Blog/Podcast/Publication has seen little attention in that time.
So. I’m not entirely sure how this will go in the future, but I have an intention and we will see how this goes. Which is to make this newsletter my primary publishing platform for the NorthSoulStar project. Videos will still be available on YouTube, but there will be much more right here for those that want to dig into this kind of work, or engage more resources.
So, below I have transcribed this latest vlog. It is not verbatim but has been quite heavily corrected, with repeated filler phrases removed, for example. Sections have been slightly rewritten or left out. There are differences between what is here, and the gist or intention of the spoken word. But it remains a transcript and flows with the audio in a fairly faithful manner. I took the text and tried to turn it into something readable (with minimal reference to the audio), to make it something new with a different flavour maybe.
I had a little fun with the headings. They are actually a part of the transcript and I found it interesting to pull out the first few words of a paragraph and make them a heading. Other sections have been highlighted too.
This has been a valuable creative process for me, to revisit my words in this way.
Transcript: Frivolous Creativity And Freedom
Recorded 22 January 2021
Hi it's Aeryn,
It's the 22nd of January, 2021, and I don't know what the time is here. I need to know now. It's nearly 2pm.
So, this is just a little check in a kind of energy report, I guess.
It's quite a big subject, and it's a big theme for me in my life. I think for many of us, if not all of humanity. It’s about freedom of expression and being able to speak. Being able to express; being able to have our own truth – our own relative truth in this world; allowing others to have their own relative truth in this world. As far as I'm concerned all truth is relative for the most part, but I don't really want to go into that subject. That's not what I'm talking about here.
This is about creativity. So I think this is where I want to go with this:
I don't really want to get into the freedom of speech debate or the agendas, or any of that stuff. I think we all know what's going on and if we don't know then we will know. And that stuff is just playing itself out in its own way. And no, it doesn't make any sense. And no, it's not happening in the way we thought it might happen. And it's just a crazy story, isn't it? What we're watching unfold is actually crazy. And that's just the backdrop of our lives for most of us, unless we're directly involved, but it can be a huge distraction.
So for me, there's been a mixture of having a genuine loss of interest, but not a loss of caring. A loss of interest in the details of it all; of needing to know; a loss of that need; that attachment. The “Are the stories playing out in a way that I think they might play out, or in the way that someone has told me they might play out?” So that feels really good. And then self mastery: being strong with myself; coaching myself; and asking “Do I really want to look at this stuff, do I really want to go there today, do I really want to go there at all?” Asking the questions “What's my role here, what's my calling?” And rarely am I feeling called in that direction.
So where am I feeling called?
It's about expression. It's about creativity for me. It's about creating something beautiful, it’s about moving forwards. It's about this New Earth that we're all seeing materialise. It's about creating a new life, it’s about creating new experiences and new things. But from a higher place, from a place where we aren’t embroiled in the battle. Where's our motivation for creating coming from? Is it coming from needing to get away from something? Or is it coming from a love and a desire for something that we can see a potential for, that’s close to our heart, that's in our soul? Our soul is calling us towards that; God is calling us towards that; humanity is crying out for that. And it starts with the everyday actions doesn't it?
What am I going to create today?
What am I going to create in my life today? What am I creating in my experience today? What am I going to create in my family today? What am I going to create in my community today? What am I going to create with my friends today, my neighbours today? Or this morning? What am I gonna create with my children? That's a big one for me. But what am I going to create with them? And what am I going to create for myself? What is it that brings me joy?
Okay, so I've identified that creating brings me joy.
But what is it what that do I want to do?
I've been on this Self Realisation journey for a few years. I've been asking the big questions for many years. But I wouldn't say I had a breakthrough and Awakening until three and a half years ago. I had an expectation that this Awakening, this Self-Realisation would empower me. And it has, but not in the way I thought it would – it's been a slow burn. And that's an important part of this journey: that it's a slow burn; that it takes its time; that the time it takes to stoke the embers into a roaring flame of creation is necessary. That it feels more natural to us and not quite so unbalancing. We're not shooting ourselves off into the stratosphere without having our feet firmly on the ground.
And with this Self-Realisation journey I've kind of found myself experiencing endless amounts of depression and nihilism and asking “what's the point of any of this?” in response to knowing my true self. I acknowledge that of course that's distorted. That if I'm realising myself to be One with God, how could I be nihilistic, how could I be depressed? But I am, I have been. And it's just a part of my theme. And in a lot of ways it's helped me to ask these questions.
So, what do I want to create?
Do I want to just sit on my backside and meditate all day long? Or do I want to take part in this world? And, it's taken me a long time to really find that answer within myself.
So, we're going through such an intense period of time, and the outside world is super distracting. And of course we can come up with a whole bunch of excuses of why we can't create. With lockdowns and restrictions and whatever else is going on, wherever you are – we’ve all had it in the last year. We've still got it here in the UK. But it doesn't stop me creating does it? It doesn't stop me from picking up a pen and paper and drawing. It doesn't stop me typing; doesn't stop me writing; doesn't stop me recording videos. It doesn't stop me expressing myself in my own way. It doesn't stop me taking a camera with me when I'm doing my daily walk. It doesn't stop me playing games with my children, it doesn't stop me from doing any of that.
So one of the fun things that I always do as an artist is I always find that the creative juices flow more readily when I deliberately restrict myself. For example, if I want to make a drawing with only one pen, or I choose a very small palette of colours, or if I choose to have the settings on my camera set in a certain way for the whole day, for all of the photos. And it kind of releases the mind in a lot of ways from figuring it all out. The mind wants to figure it all out and get the best out of every moment. And if the rules of the game are restricted then the mind has to let go. It can't work it all out because it has been restricted. So some of my best work is when I'm restricted in that way. Sometimes it's not deliberate. Sometimes my best photos are with my phone when there's not a lot of choices with what you can do with an iPhone.
So, that's what we've got in this world right now. We're feeling restricted in this physical world we're in. And this is what can really optimise our creative juices.
I guess I'm owning up to feeling scared to create somehow, of coming up with excuses not to do it. I'm taking my time for some reason I don't know; or I'm letting myself rest; I'm letting myself be depressed for a while; or I'm letting myself go through what I need to go through so I can come out the other side a bit clearer.
And I'm also being brave
I want to be brave to create. I want to be brave enough to actually publish this video because the last two videos I've recorded I haven't published. And I want to acknowledge my own fears about why I haven't done that, of why I feel judged or why I feel that it's not good enough, why I feel judgmental of my own work. And I want to break through this barrier. I want to feel free. I want to be free to create.
I want to feel free to express myself in any way I see fit, whether it's of high quality or low quality. If it's what someone else might expect of me or if it's something unexpected – to just release all of that expectation I perceive coming from others. Just all of it. And follow my calling in my heart, my soul, into a new world of creation; of building; of expression; of feeling the joy and the delight in creating. Whether it's a frivolous moment of freedom, where it doesn't matter; where nothing matters about that creation, it’s just a momentary expression somehow. Or something big and important: creating new communities or new paradigms, new projects, new ways of living – all of that.
But I think it starts with the frivolous
It’s not frivolous really but that's a great word! Because that's freedom: to deliberately create something frivolous is freedom, it feels free to know that it doesn't matter, to actually say this doesn't matter, but I'm doing it anyway. It really doesn't matter, it’s frivolous. So I'm gonna create frivolously and freely, with no expectations, with no judgments, with no value placed on it, or lack of value, just nothing. It's just for the moment of creation.
When I take my photos
I’m a photographer, I wouldn't say I'm a professional at all but I still call myself a photographer. My greatest joy in creating photographs is in that moment I click and then that's it. How frivolous can that be? Because in my life I've only ever shared a very small proportion of all the photos I've ever taken. I have many years, and folders, and megabytes, and gigabytes worth of photography – some of which I know is very good – but it's never seen the light of day. In fact, I've never seen it, because I had got my value from that when I was taking the photo. But now there's something calling me to publish, to share. And that's the hard bit. For me to express myself openly to the world, to anyone that cares, not to gain popularity or success or anything, but just to say “hey this is me over here, and this is what I'm doing”. And, I've said many times with these videos. If just one personsees this video; or if one person sees my photo; my artwork; and it lifts them up in some way; or inspires them in some way; or they find it beautiful in some way; it changes their experience in some way; then that right there is what makes it all worthwhile. It really is for me. I was speaking with my guides just now about this.
I’m on a course
A spiritual course, but it's about creativity. And I was just reflecting on some of the material. And one of the questions was. “What have you created in the past that people celebrated you for?” So, I reflected on that. And then the question was can you use that feeling to inspire yourself as a fire, as fuel for further creation? And then instantly I started shutting down. I was “Well, no I don't care what people say. I don't want to know.” And I started closing off. And I caught myself, and my guides were asking me at this point “So what's going on right here, why don't you enjoy the validation of others?” And I was saying
“It’s not about the validation. I don't want to be validated by others. It always feels empty”.
It always does, it always has done for me. It's nice that they feel that way, but I don't need it. I never have. It's just the way I am, and I don't know really if anyone truly feels they need validation for anything. But anyway, that's others. So I was saying, “It’s this validation thing- I just don't care.” But there was something in me shutting down. So they were asking me to look at that. “Why are you shutting down? Why are you rejecting?” And then I realised that it was because what I would really enjoy about the feedback of my work – the truth underneath the part of me that is shutting down – was that I would enjoy deep down, the feeling that I had in some small way, or a big way lifted them up in some way, as I was saying earlier.
That I had helped them in some way
That I had lifted them up and inspired them and brought some beauty into their life, in just my own way just from them taking part. And even now as I'm saying it I can feel that response, that wants to close that down. And that right there is what I think we are stepping into is because we're realising that we can truly help others. And it's not about them helping us by validating, by likes and comments and whatever else on a social site. What it really is about underneath is this person has told me I have I've helped them today. Now that's what feels good to me. That's the truth. That feels good. Not the validation, the validation is an empty reflection of the truth that I helped them.
And can I be okay, can I feel okay that I helped someone?
Can I have that confidence? Can I allow myself to have that truth? And again, I just wanted to shut it down because I'm saying “well that's ego, that's my ego, wanting blah blah blah.”
No! The ego is the one that is denying.
Not you, you're not the ego. The ego is the one that's shutting down, and you're not that. And you know you're not that but you're trying to go back there. You're trying to identify with that voice because it's been there for 40 years. And there's no need, it's a choice. And that's your pain. That's what feels bad right now is trying to identify, with the voice that says, “I don't want validation blah blah blah blah.” It's just a complete illusion!
So, they said to me, “Ask now, ask. You've identified the voice, ask who's speaking.” And so I said “Okay, I'm speaking to the one who says this. Who is it, who's speaking?” And there was just no reply. And I asked so why, and they said because it's not there. It's an illusion.
And this is my biggest breakthrough
Of the New Year of the end of 2020, and now. These last few weeks, it's been so intense. But it has been to really separate the ego of what's not true about me. and identify my Self. And I don't mean identify with, but to see myself, to see who I am in truth, to see the truth of who I am. That I can create.
Not like a few years ago, when I was awakening and realising the Self but then, stepping into disempowerment as a seeming result of that. That was just a dark night of the soul. It was me being unable to maintain that vibrational alignment. But I am stepping into a space now, where I can hold my truth of what I am, who I am. A soul, expressing through this physical experience through this physical world. And the shift has been so profound for me over the last few days, few weeks.
It's been extremely difficult to deal with
It's been extraordinary. And I think I'm still processing of course, and no doubt there'll be further shifts, of course, and more intense periods. But it's just releasing that which is not true, so that I may create freely. So that I can see it was only ever me stopping myself from creating. It was me back then, it was me, because I had identified with that. With that program, with that ego, whatever you might want to call it. And we all have it, the “I’m not good enough”-program. Even those who are super-high achievers, I think they have it as well. We're trying to prove something in this world. Do I need to prove anything anymore? Do I want to try? Not really. Sure, sometimes there's that little feeling that you want to impress people, or that you want validation. Which is fine. But for me, it's not there, and when I do go there, there's a very strong reaction, and that in the past has disempowered me. So, I get to see it a bit more clearly now. So I can move on. Whilst realising a greater truth about myself on a spiritual level of understanding, of knowledge, of knowing myself. Know thyself.
Stepping into the I AM frequency, the I AM consciousness, Knowing that That I AM is me knowing It. Not listening to a teacher tell me, and then going “Okay, this is what I am now”, but knowing it. Having experience of it directly. This is beyond words, I can't explain.
I could talk about a few incredible experiences I've had over the last few days and maybe I will, I did actually kind of share one on my blog, on my newsletter, at northsoulstar.com. It's up on there right now as the most recent post, And I had another one a couple of days ago. And it's a fundamental shift in my consciousness. And it's, it's amazing. It's beautiful. It's truly beautiful. And when I'm not there I'm a kind of a little bit afraid of it. My ego gets really scared because my ego knows it can't go there. So my practice is evermore inspired.
Because I wake up every day not knowing myself
That's my theme. I don't want to call it in, I'm not calling it in, I don't want that to happen tomorrow. But judging from the last 365 days it might do. Waking up in the shit, every day. Deep in the shit, every day, and my work has been to Know myself every day. But now there's something new happening where I'm seeing it from an even higher perspective. So, I feel that there's a huge shift happening for me in the way that I will be living my life going forwards. And it might not be a material shift, but it will be an inner shift. And surely that will manifest. I'm sure it will but that's not the important part. The important part is on the inside: that's the important part. That's all that matters. Everything on the outside is beautiful and wonderful and wanted, but the inside, that connection that realisation, to know God, to know the One, to know my soul, is of primary importance. Because that's where all that outside stuff comes from anyway. That's the Source of all things.
So that's my work
As we spiritual people call Raising Our Vibration. But the question is, who is raising their vibration? It's fucking hilarious really. So anyway, that's my little blog post for today, and I really hope I publish this one. I have plans for this sharing. But it is secondary to my art, I really really want to dig into my art. That's where I'm feeling called, but I do enjoy sharing here as well. And I hope that this helps anyone that happens to see it, or read it. Because that will be the plan for this. The plan for NorthSoulStar going forwards is that it will mostly be about the newsletter.
This will still be on YouTube. But, I want to take the time and make a nice presentation of this work, to have this recording transcribed, to reboot the podcast. And make it a creation, make each sharing a creation. Something I'm proud of. Something I'm happy with. And I do feel good about this one. Maybe that's why I haven't shared my last couple of videos.
So I do feel quite good about this one. And I hope that it helps you in some way and if you've watched all the way to the end let me know. Okay, Thanks. Take care. Bye bye.
All images by Aeryn North. They can be clicked to go see them in context on my Sketchbook.
Apple Podcasts link:https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/northsoulstar-transmissions/id1461883608
YouTube Channel link:http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXrlGx6lXAiSH4wwW6PYq3Q