Come Inside, Monster
Video Blog 2021-03-26
Read on for the transcript..
Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/mjplHogOWAI
Watch on Tsū: https://aeryn.me/tsu
Hi it's Aeryn. It's the 26th of March. It’s nearly 10am here in the UK.
I’m just sharing some of my blog, sharing my recent experiences.
So I'm working with a lady who has been just amazing, amazingly helpful. And It's only been a few weeks so far.
So I initially went to her because I felt like had reached a plateau, and I felt like I had reached a place where I felt stuck in a loop. With the way the energies are right now, and the way the world is, with my own healing journey so far. How I have embraced the work, the shadow work, the inner child work years ago and..
I realised that I've still got things going on. I'm still finding my inner world challenging a lot of the time. And having psychosis and stuff. I was kind of feeling that the answer to those things weren't really in any kind of healing arts.
So I came to the conclusion that I was missing the empowerment piece. A big chunk of what many people consider the most important part of the spiritual journey. You know some people say it's about enlightenment and some people say it's about empowerment and I've really dug into the enlightenment stuff – the empowerment stuff only a little bit.
But, really I was trusting in the Self Realisation process as I got to know myself, as I got to realise my true self. That I would to naturally learn to become empowered through Realisation – I knew that I had it in me. I knew that it was all inside of me somehow. And I just needed to reveal that through my enlightenment practices, in my own way.
With various different teachers, on YouTube, some famous ones, friends, just being in the community. I mean I guess it's been various things over the years.
Various teachers, and they're all good, they're all great. But really I was just wanting to get to know myself, my true self, and to find out what that meant. And to be that. And so I found myself feeling this sort of loop like a frustration recently.
My mental health was declining again: psychosis, depression – with the depression not really being that surprising – it's been a big part of my history. But the psychosis was returning.
And, I wasn't really too worried about it. I just knew I knew I'd come through it at some point. But I just didn't really know how to handle it. Psychosis is a fairly recent thing for me. Only in the last ten years can I say that I've really experienced it. Certainly in the last five years quite a lot.
But the main thing that was really worrying me was this loop, this stagnation I felt, and I wanted to empower myself to move on, that would be my answer to create things in my life.
Like: “I’m living in a home that needs a lot of work, and I don't feel able to do the work. So maybe I can empower myself and do the work and then I'll be happy.” And art:
“I want to do my art, maybe if I do my art that will make me happy. And I will feel empowered and my life will improve. And I'll get out of this loop somehow.”
So I've been working with this lady and that's why I went to her. I said “Well, I've done all this shadow work and I'm always happy to do it when it comes up, but I don't really want to seek it out anymore. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to be a shadow worker anymore.”
“I know how and I know when it needs to happen. I do it. When can I move on? I want to move on, I don't want this to be my life!”
These huge swings in energy. Who I feel I am and what my vibrational alignment is. The ups and the downs, and swinging backwards and forwards between myself.
So, to my surprise, it turned out, I had a lot of healing still to do, coming out. I knew it was there, but I thought I would empower myself through it. And that would somehow heal me.
So she's been taking me through an inner child process, and..
Most recently, a mind healing process where I invited my mind in into my home. I was quite surprised by what my mind looked like. I go through these very, very visual processes, I'm really there, I see stuff and I hear. I realised this just kind of like a pretend, but it's also real.
I'm speaking with my mind. I've invited my mind in and it's took on a shape, and a personality. And I'm speaking with it, and it seems to be my mind, somehow. I don't understand it but that's the way it seems, but I know that I'm whole and my mind is a part of me. And there is no real separation between me and my mind. But for now, we're pretending. And it is real as well. The pretending is real in its own way.
So she led me through some questions I can say to my mind. You know “I love you” and all that stuff, and we're really going down some sort of little avenues. Gently interrogating the mind about why it's so troubled, what's going on.
And it was just a really wonderful process. I just kind of surprised myself how big the shift is through these processes that I'm going through with her. The interesting thing is that whilst we were doing this I said that I'd had a headache for three weeks now. We were talking about that a bit,
We're talking about the pressure that I put my mind under. My mind identified itself, gave itself a name. And so, it called itself Monster. So I was talking to Monster, my mind. It’s saying “You’re really hard on me,” or words to that effect. “You're really hard on me.”
And it was a real paradigm shifting moment for me. From me complaining about my mind not wanting to shut up; my mind playing up; misbehaving. Whereas, really, in that moment it was more helpful to realise that I was the one putting pressure on my mind, because I'm not really my mind.
My mind is a part of me, as well as being whole. So she said a couple of things to me and she said she was leading me into a state of wakefulness.
I was saying to her, “I know I'm identified. I know in my own way.” I was saying “I know I'm asleep right now.”
“I am identified with my mind and I can't see the way out.” So she was saying our minds think they're in control, they're not in control, we are, but we're not controlling. It's just that our minds are following us. She said something like that.
Anyway, so she said “You've been telling your mind that you've had a headache for three weeks. That's a lot of pressure on your mind who listening to you, to that story.”
And this was three days ago now, I think. The moment she said that I had this realisation. And my headache dropped by about 80% I would say. It almost went. And it's not come back.
Because through that process I realise that my mind was in resistance. To me being an open being. I have this open head. According to Human Design I have an open crown, an open third eye,
And my mind is in resistance to that. It's a bit scared, and it knows it can't control any of that stuff, what streams in.
I do keep my mind open. And I do keep my third eye open. But there's this layer that we could call the mind, or the mind is placing a layer. The mind is distracting my attention away from the open channel. And it's because I'm rejecting it.
I've been rejecting my mind. I've been trying to climb out of my mind. I've been trying to be separate from my mind. Even while saying, “Yes, my mind is inside of me,” but still treating it like it was a naughty little thing.
And it presented itself to me in this way, as like a cartoon monster. I've got a picture of it over here – I did a drawing – but it presented itself to me as a cartoon monster. And it looked broken and disabled and it couldn't speak properly. And it was shivering and shaking, and it was just traumatised.
And that's me. That is me as well. I know have to acknowledge that that's me. There's me there. And that's how I see myself, but a little bit unconsciously, that I didn't notice before.
So, now in the few days since, I've been making a little bit of progress. Staying in touch with my mind, rather than trying to push it away.
Not through practices that I have of realising thought-less space, which are helpful in their own way, but I don't feel that in this time those kind of practices are of help to me.
I don't think that's the energetic landscape that we're in. In 2021, it's to get down and dirty with being human, with our minds, with our inner child, with our egos. With whatever traumatised aspect of us that we've left behind.
And it it seems like there's been another layer revealed, where I was sensing this plateau that I was on. And I was thinking I'm in a loop, but I'm stuck. Maybe it was just that I could sense that there was some deeper stuff coming up soon, that it was there. And it was not quite the right time for me to go through this.
You know, I've been sensing it since early December when I started to feel this psychosis, this deeper depression. I started to feel myself falling apart, my mental health declining.
But maybe I can just surrender to all of that. Surrender to psychosis. Maybe surrender to the depression and learn to love myself. Learn to love my mind and my inner child. And it does sound weird sometimes to me. To do these practices to separate myself off into these aspects, because I want to be whole.
And I even said to my coach at one point “The inner child work helped me yesterday but today it doesn't feel right. I want to be whole today.”
I'm the child. I am the child, and I need these things. Yes, she needs these things, this child I see inside of myself. She needs this stuff. She needs love. She needs and I will provide that for her.
But, it's me. I need it. I'm still a human, I'm owning that I'm a human.
I need love. Let's just own up to it.
We are these spiritual, powerful, divine beings and we can provide for ourselves. We can create what we want to create. We can choose what we want to choose. We can realise our divine blueprints, our human designs, what we've come here in this world to do, how we're service.
But we still need to eat and drink, and shit. And we also need love.
We also need each other. We also need community and friendship and relationships and whatever else that's part of what being a human is.
So I think that's where we are. We're gonna learn that stuff. I think many, many of us in this spiritual journey have just realised this, that there's a shift.
And paradoxically, it takes us further into the stratosphere of consciousness.
I've been experiencing that as I've been grounding into my body. Even harder than ever before.
It feels hard. It's not this gentle softening into the body. Sometimes it's just like: “Fuck I don't want to be there. I don't want to be in, I just want to go up, I want to go up, I want to go up.”
“I just want to go up to my angels, I want to go up to God, I want to go up, I want to realise myself. I want to realise the nothing Self. I've been there, I want to return there where I am nothing, where nothing matters, I have no identity, no form. Or I want to be the I AM. I want to be All, I want to be all that is, I want to be everything. I want to be an angel. I want to be of service I want to be..”
We come down through these layers or we go up through these layers of consciousness, and beyond consciousness to realise who we are. But then we come flying back down or land on our backsides.
Back in humanity. It's like “Shit I'm still here.”
“Everything's happening for me. There's a reason I'm doing this, I don't know what it is. I've got some ideas maybe.”
I want to be of service, but it's more from being being who I am. Being human is the service. It's about playing the game, but we're playing a new game. One that we're calling 5D.
But the game, it's inside of us. But it's also about this world, isn't it? New Earth, New Humanity, the evolution of our base level consciousness, becoming higher beings. For real. As humans, evolving.
The next stage of our evolution. And yeah, I came here to take part in that. But I am here doing it. I am being human.
I am pretending, but I'm not pretending. I'm pretending to be a human on earth. But I am a human on earth – it's real.
This is a weird shift that I'm going through and I think many of us are – a huge identity shift where these spiritual concepts are becoming actually real. And I don't mean real as in physical evidence out there, but I mean just the base level of how we exist inside of ourselves, how we show up inside of ourselves, and then how we behave on the outside.
But it's about what's happening on the inside. And that Includes messy human stuff. So I'm learning to embrace it. And it's really hard because I don't want to a lot of the time. But that's part of the journey.
So, I am going through this kind of shift. We all are. And I am shifting my online life. It's not something I really intended to do, it's just happening. As you may know I've got two projects running.
A spiritual project called North Soul Star, which is a newsletter and a YouTube and stuff like that, a podcast, which is this.
And I've got an art project where I'm an artist. And it’s a big part of my journey right now. And so I've got this art project, which is a bit messy. And it's just called (it doesn't have a name,) it's just Art by Aeryn is what I mainly call it, but it's a website and a newsletter and whatever else you know.
I’m on various social media, but what's changing for me is my main go to social media platform is called tsū. And it's a bit like Instagram, a bit like Facebook.
And the reason I'm on there is because it returned recently after being away for five years – it was shut down for about five years, changed ownership or something, I don't know. But five years ago I was on it, and it was great.
I loved it so much. I met lots of creative people. I was collaborating with some people. I made friends. I really enjoyed it. I found the kind of community aspect of it really good. It's different, I say it's like Instagram, I say it's like Facebook, but has a different vibe, a completely different vibe going on.
It's in beta right now so it's it's in early stages of development. But that's where I'm posting all my stuff first. That's my blog on there. And from there stuff trickles out to wherever it should go later on, when I do my kind of sorting-stuff-out so things can get published.
I'm publishing a hodgepodge of my work as I go on there. So if you want to join me there's an invite link on my website. So if you go to aeryn.me/tsu there's an invitation link on there. And if you want to subscribe to these podcasts, YouTubes, the newsletter, whatever – about spirituality, healing and all of that kind of stuff – or If you want to comment or get in touch, you can do that through my website northsoulstar.com. Okay, Thanks for watching, thanks for listening. Bye.